Understanding English

The trend from bad to worse continues. Surprisingly, the latest setback is so bad it is somewhat liberating. We will start with a conversation from last Friday and end with a line from an email received Friday night.

"Dr. Baker, we can't order your two lap top computers."

"Why?"

"Dr. Larry ordered the same computers last month."

"I don't understand."

"Well, if you had ordered with Dr. Larry, purchasing could have gotten a better deal."

"Uhm, Dr. Larry is in a different lab. Why should his order have any bearing on mine? Why would I order computers before I hire people? It doesn't make sense to me." I don't know why I keep looking for logic. Logic left the building over a year ago.

"You have broken several rules with this order. They think you divided the order to keep the price under the review limit. I suggest you change the model. That should go through."

I argue in vain, but I keep arguing basically to release the pressure building up in my head. It is actually a good discussion. The secretaries now know they can give me news that upsets me without me being upset at them. Maybe that is not a good thing. Anyway, back in my office a half hour later I hear the clicks of high heels.

"Dr. Baker, I have some worse news."

"Of course you do."

"We can't order lap tops. They have to be desk tops."

There was more to this discussion, but I had lost the energy to pay attention. I no longer understand English. Besides, computers are the least of my concerns. For the past couple of weeks there has been a purchasing freeze. I have only spent 10% of my startup money. I have a puller and an amplifier. Nice. Considering how random the purchasing rules are here, I believe the Vice-director when he tells me not to worry. (Wait, where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah, I remember). Then comes an email explaining the big item purchasing freeze.

Email excerpt: We have no money.

We have no money? It looks like English, but I am confused (why am I not used to that yet?). How can you hire new faculty promising enough money for me to up and move halfway around the world? I've spent a lot of time trying to recruit people and equip the lab. I could have gone to Kathmandu. I think we would have still broken up, but at least it would have happened in Kathmandu. Of course that would have really sucked especially since it is nearly impossible to not get food poisoning, but I felt like hurling from the discussions leading to the breakup anyway. At least in Kathmandu I could have blamed some parasites.

And I would have been in Kathmandu. That would have topped my best breakup story - a date in New York City where we ended up at the Empire State Building. The sun sets as we wait in line. When the elevator opens, the city lights spread out below give the impression that we are looking down at the stars. "Thank God for this moment," she gasps as I kiss her. On the drive home, she asks if I would like to spend the night which consisted of me trying to sleep in a recliner while she lectured me about being in a really good place in her life and not needing a relationship. I could have sworn spending the night meant something else. Apparently, I have had trouble understanding English for a very long time.